Hold the Snow

You remember that Hubz took me shopping for Mother's Day? Well, after 4 hours I was spent. lol - literally.

So we asked the kids, "Where do you guys wanna eat?"

And Jacob bellows out, "Red Lobster!!"

Hubz and I just looked at each other and laughed. "Only our kids." But it was barely 4pm so we thought - hey - why not?

Sitting down with our menus, Jacob already knew what he wanted. Crab legs. So when Hubz orders for him, the little guy HAS to interrupt to correct him.

"Yeah, crab legs. Just not the snow, please."

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The Finger

This is what my 13-year old bought at the school book fair:


The shit that entertains this kid's mind never ceases to amaze me.

But this little thingamabob turned out to be a hit with his brothers as well. On the way home from Open House, Baby Joel starts trippin' and is crying over something.

On the phone and impatient to keep him quiet, I hollered to my helper:

>>"JC! Where's the finger? GIVE HIM THE FINGER!"

>>To which he gladly responds, "Sure. I'll give him the finger."

It must've been that wicked smile on his face - we just started bustin' up. Hell - it's nothin' new. JC likes to be a smartass sometimes, and I just flip him the bird.

And we just start laughing our asses off... Especially if I forget myself and do it at Costco.

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Hosed Down

To my 3 year-old monster:

See now - this is what happens when you don't listen to Mommy. I told you that we don't play with the water hose.

But if you're thinking of not minding me, you might wanna turn the hose AWAY from your face:

K, Baby Joel?

I think he's got it now. ;)

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My Moon Shine

WARNING: This is NOT gonna be pretty.

The kids and I are fighting over the mic. It's karaoke night in the monster house, and the king of the night is friggin' Skinny Ass with his "98."

I'mma shove his "98" up somewheres if he gloats in my face again with that dorky grin. lol - how does a 98 even count when you're singing...

♪♪ "Puff, the Magic Dragon... Lived by the Sea..." ♪♪

Do you remember that song?!

Well, we needed to change it up - so in went Donna Summers big hit, "I Will Survive." Have you seen the movie called "The Replacements" with Keanu Reeves?

Coz if you did, then you can imagine me and the monsters bustin' the electric slide in the living room.

Afraid that we might take the lead, Skinny Ass had to do SOMETHING to protect his status.

So the mutha pulled down my pants.

And all of my moon lit up the house. Hell - lit up the neighbor's, too.

Image Credit: Made in England

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Mom - Get Your Head Outta the Gutter

"Whore. Whore!"

That's my 3-year old. Pointing to something that this Momma obviously can not see. Which of course, frustrates him even more.

And me? I'm like, "Where the F*cK did he learn that word?"

Okay, I admit. I have a helluva potty mouth. But that is NOT one of my choice words.

So now he's starting to lose it. "No Mooom!" Shaking his finger forecefully at SOMETHING across the way. "Whore! WHORE!"

Oh for crying out loud. Can the neighbors hear him?

Miraculously, I get him to calm down without fulfilling his neverending need to be understood. (I have to repeat everything he says so that he gets confirmation that I understand him. Or maybe to check if I'm listening - lol.)

And I silently cuss out Skinny Ass coz HE'S used that word on several occasions.

***

Fast forward a couple of days and I'm getting ready to strap Joel into his car seat on the way out to Target.

"Lo Mom - a whore."

Crap. Here we go again.

"What honey?" As if I didn't hear him.

He gets all excited and exclaims, "A whore!" And he scrambles down and picks up a shiny coin on the floor and proudly presents his new find to me in the palm of his hand.

"A whore!"

Wouldja believe? It was a friggin' quarter.

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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie?

I don't know 'bout you...

but naptime is one of my favorite parts of the day:

Except this one had a little too much fun with Starfall...

And fell asleep before crawling outta the chair....

Let's put this puppy to bed!

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A Kid's Take on the NCAA Final 64

Skinny Ass likes to have us draw teams for the Bracket Challenge - so even if I'm not a big sports fan, we still have fun going up against each other.

So tonight, as we're drawing teams, Jacob is working on pronouncing the names of the schools.

"Cal Essst... Fuller something." [Cal St Fullerton]

"Awr-kan-sus." [Arkansas] Pause. "Oh, I think that's where the penguins are, right?"

Penguins???


Then Skinny Ass notices he's somehow picked teams that are playing against each other.

"Well, that's no fun," he grumbles. Then a sly smile creeps outta the corner and he says:

"I hate playing by myself."

Perv.

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He said WHAT?!

It's Saturday, so we're having pancakes for breakfast. Baby Joel strolls in first with a yawn, and then Jacob.

>>Jacob: "Mom, why don't you friggin' turn on the air?"

What the h*ll did he just say to me?

>>Me, trying to keep from becoming hysterical: "What did you say, Jacob?"

>>Jacob: "Why don't you flip it in the air?"

Then a smile creeps up on my face, and I just explain that I'm not very good at that.

But before I could get the whole sentence out, I'm already laughing. And I've been told my laugh is a little contagious.

So now Jacob's laughing, too - wondering what the heck was so funny in the first place.

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His Secret Box

Joel has a secret box. Do you watch SpongeBob? This kid is ADDICTED to "Bob" which means that Mom, of course, has almost completely removed him off the DirecTV list. We save him for those unexpected conference calls and I need to keep a 3 year old quiet for longer than five minutes.

Thankfully, Joel doesn't take this box everywhere. In my effort to wean him off of SpongeBob, he's in this "Monster House" craze. Picture a toddler in mismatched pajamas, watching a movie from behind the couch, around the kitchen corner, and even from my office with the doors closed. So even if he can't hear what's going on, he can see it through the glass panes. Do you remember covering your ears and singing the alphabet? Thank goodness my kids haven't started THAT yet!

lol - he's such a trip. But today, Pooh Bear kept him company while I was on my Friday morning call, but it seems he wasn't all that interested. Guess what I found in the box?


Looks like the little snot didn't feel like sharing his Eggos today.

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Roll Call

Just after dinner, I left JC in the kitchen to clean up as I headed back to the office. He saw the bowl of apple wedges I cut up earlier for Joel and asked, "Mom - do you want these apples?"

"No thanks," I hollered back. "Those were JC's. I mean Jacob. I MEAN JOEL! Dangit!"

Jacob, who was quietly playing Disney games on the home computer desk simply suggested, "Why didn't you just name one of us Chuck?"

If only I were as smart.

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First Hail

Joel and I headed out early to pick up Jacob from school due to hail and heavy rains. As soon as we saw him, he hollered out:

"Mom!! It rained ice cubes today!!!"

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"Mine's Bigger Than Yours"

Ever dependable sibling rivalry came over for a visit during our Wii Tournament… I laughed out loud as I remembered a conversation my mom overheard once. We had driven down for a weekend visit and the boys were getting ready to go out again:

Jacob (in singsong, to Baby Joel):
"Mine is bigger than yours!"

JC (matter-of-fact, to Jacob):
"Oh yeah? Mine is bigger than yours."

Jacob (a little flustered):
"Oh yeah?! Uh, well.. DAD's is bigger than yours - he has a BIG
pitot!"

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