actually slept last night.
No middle of the night wakings from the kids. No chronic heat rash causing me to rip my skin raw. No Samson coming in to tell me he needed to go outside. No clock alarms going off at 3:45am to get ready to leave for 8th grade camp.
I went to bed just before 1am, and didn't wake up until my alarm went off at 7:30am.
When's the last time that happened?
I'm lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep in. Was it because I slept on his side last night? He'll be home today... maybe I just miss him.
But sleeping - means dreaming. For me, at least. And last night, I'm not sure if sleeping was a good thing or not.
I had the... strangest dream last night... 
We were in a loft. A cabin, maybe? No kids around, just us. Actually, it was me and the hubby, and he had a friend over. They were about to leave and were getting ready to pull the old fashioned car out of the garage. (Looked more like a barn to me.)
I was still upstairs, thinking about how hubby had pulled a bucket out to sit on it and examine his fingernails. (A bucket?!)
He had been asking me, "What do you think of these?" (Showing me his fingers.) "Do you think they look gross?"
He has - in real life - a problem with biting his nails. His nails and cuticles - I keep bandaids in the car for him and the kids.
But since when did he ever care what they looked like?
I ran down to catch him before they pulled out, and hollered out to him from the stairs.
>>"What does she think of them?"
Confusion creeps into his eyes.
>>"Your nails. Does she think they're gross?"
And the reality of my words took effect, as if I had thrown a brick clear into his face.
Halfway out, he stops the car. He looks at the steering wheel. Then me. And then as if to shrug his shoulders to say, "I don't know how it happened..."
But he didn't have a chance to get it out. I had already turned on my heels to go back upstairs.
The scene changes, and we're now at my mom's. It's a different place than what it is now - and in this one, JC is kickin' it with me in the room, keeping me company, as I figure out what to wear that night. Hubby and I are going out to dinner.
To talk.
I haven't told my mom anything. Haven't told anyone anything. Still trying to figure out what to do.
In my dream, I'm thinking - "This isn't the first time. This has happened before. At least they didn't sleep together. Made out, yes. But they didn't have sex."
And this converations continues in my head, in my dream and in real life:
"Shit. In my book, any kind of intimacy outside of a marriage - be it a physical or emotional attachment - is an act of betrayal. You don't have to have sex to cheat on your spouse."
And then I woke up to "Enough" from Chris Tomlin...
♪♪ All of You is more than enough for all of me
I KNOW in my heart the Lord is talking to me. My God (literally) - what are the chances of having a dream like that - and waking up to this Christian song? I can still feel the hurt, the pain and confusion from my dream. The angst of the truth and not knowing exactly how to deal with it.
I know He's telling me something... and I'm pretty darned that it's not my hubby cheating on me. It's something else...
Is this a forewarning? Of something yet to come?
If so, then I think I just figured out what I'll need to do...
Turn it over to Him.
Friday, May 2, 2008
In My Dreams
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough ♪♪
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